SOS – 2009 Season Tat Now Available Online

Well, better late than never, but three games into the 2009 season, the much delayed update to the Swallows online merchandise store (the Swallows Online Shop) is now live.

So for those readers in Japan eager for some Tokyo goods (and come on, who isn’t?!) get yourself online to get some tat delivered to your door.

Some choice offerings include:

The new shirt, both home and away. Yours for ?6000 with no name on the back and ?7000 with one of a limited number of players names on the back (currently Kawashima Keizo, Fukuchi, Miyamoto, Tanaka, Yoshinori, Ishikawa and Aoki).

For those not willing to sink the not insubstantial amount on a new shirt, there are a range of T-shirts at a more reasonable ?2940. Shirts available are currently Aoki, Miyamoto, Tanaka, Yoshinori, Lim, Aikawa and Miyamoto.

A sweatband featuring the new “Swallow” is yours for ?840. Personally, I feel that the design of the “bird” is of the level that wiping bodily fluids on it seems rather fitting.

Got a wee one? Then part with a rather costly sum of ?3500 and this superhero-esque poncho is yours. Not only keeps them warm but allows them to glide through the air to empty the contents of their nappy on visiting Yomiuri or Hanshin fans.  (OK, I made up the last bit.)

Got a dog? Then dress them up in one of these stylish outfits so they can get mauled to death by neighbourhood strays for their shitty taste in baseball teams. Yours for ?1980.

You know what your home needs? Something to make visitors think what a classy kind of person they’re dealing with when they step through your door. And what says that better than a plastic cased stuffed toy of the most adored mascot in Japanese baseball, “Tsubakurou”? Nothing, that’s what. ?16,800 and you can start to climb that social ladder.

Tsubakurou is also available holding his trademark banana. Available in a range of sizes from ?800 to ?11,000. Buy the big one and pretend you’ve just hit a home run at Jingu (and fantasise about setting it on fire and throwing it at Takada.)

Looking for a bargain? Then pay a paltry ?300 and get yourself a set of stickers. Comes with last year’s uniform designs because, well, they have unsold stock and haven’t got round to designing new ones yet.

Amuse your overseas friends by getting them a small, 45cm, useless umbrella, sending it to them as a gift and convincing them that Japanese umbrellas are actually all this small due to the slight nature of the average Japanese. Alternatively, put them to the use for which they were intended and dance the Tokyo Ondo at Jingu stadium. Either way, a bargain at ?600.

So there you have it. Get yourself some tat for the new year (I’ve got a room full of it.)  And the Swallows do need all the cash they can get.  Shame any money you spend goes into yogurt research and not the ballclub. . . bollocks.